Chicken Fried Vogue

For 15 years and most of her adult life, Bubblez lived in the suburbs of a major metropolitan city. She enjoyed taking her children to museums, parks, and dates at Starbucks. Then Bubblez moved to the country and her En Vogue attitude got chicken fried. Her yard is a park where the neighbor's rooster won't stop crowing, Starbucks is almost an hour away, and her large collection of fancy shoes is worthless. But, living in the acres of green has presented more opportunities for living "green" as Bubblez travels the path toward self-sufficiency (and bitches ((and prays)) along the way).

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dawg Ain't Gettin' Da Pussy

Ed won't stop staring at my pussy. He's never actually eaten one before, but there's a look in his eye and I don't trust it.

I'm actually in possession of three pussies. The smallest one came first, and the next two showed up a day later. I was genuinely expecting to have a fourth pussy by the end of the week, but I haven't found any more, yet. Because I was so certain there would be four, I named them after the head masters at Hogwarts. Besides, this may be vain of me, but I honestly believe that MY pussies are magical.

Ed watches them all with equal fervor. He sits and stares completely fixated, and if one should move a little or twitch, he jumps to his feet, excited, eyes shining. He wants to play with them so badly, he can taste it. If he happens to see me sitting by the window stroking one, he really goes wild, jumping around and pacing like he'll lose his ever loving mind. Often, when he sees me touch one, he'll lean in like he thinks I'm going to hand it over to him. I'm telling you, he's crazy.

I told him, "No! It's MY pussy, and not for you." Then, he started whining and trying to get his nose a little closer, which was not the response I wanted. I was hoping that eventually he would just get bored and give up; go lay down and play with his bone, but he doesn't. I can't blame him. I don't find bones as exciting or interesting as the pussies, either.

When he was younger, we used to play with his bone, together, like tug-of-war, but then I got kind of grossed out by how sticky it always was, and he would get a little rough, sometimes, so I quit.  

The only other time he's been near a pussy like mine is when we were visiting my parents in the country. We were all standing out in the driveway, and Ed was happily saying hello to everyone when suddenly, my mother's pussy got a little to close. Maybe, it was the smell. I don't know, but Ed pounced on it. Then he gave it a good shake and walked away as if it were dead, and therefore, no fun to play with. Mom's poor pussy lay there shocked and lifeless, and to my surprise, dry.

I mean, if it had been my old pal, Fritz, he'd have drooled all over it and made a real mess. But then, Fritz was a boxer and boxers can get pretty rough. Fritz would have drawn blood. You couldn't trust Fritz around children, either.

You know, as I write this, I'm thinking that the problem isn't with the pussy, after all. The problem is with, Ed. I hate the idea of it, but maybe I should chain him up outside, or get a cage or something. Perhaps, a new home for him? With less temptation? It doesn't seem fair to kick him out of my life, like that, but the way he's been acting, lately, is simply intolerable.

I looked online to see if there was some way to train this pussy chasing behavior out of him, but I guess it's pure instinct, and there's nothing I can do. Some of my friends asked if I'd had Ed neutered. They thought that might calm him down. I suppose, I could look into it. I'm thinking, given Ed's age, that a surgery of that nature would be pretty expensive.

Until, I come up with a better idea, I guess I'm just going to have to work doubly hard to keep Ed separated from any kind of pussy. I don't even want him looking at pictures of one. With any luck, all will go well, and he'll forget I even have a pussy. That would be ideal.

If anyone reading this has any suggestions on how to help me with this problem, please let me know. Since, I found them, I've worked very hard to keep my pussies alive and well, and it will make me really sad if something bad happens because of old Ed.    




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